Wake up, Palace fans! Time for some Pardew myth-busting.

Apparently dreams do come true, even in the Mike Ashley era. For on the 29th December 2014 - the new Christmas Day - it was announced that Alan Pardew had been granted permission to become manager of Crystal Palace. In my sad little world, it's probably one of the greatest days of my life - my club is finally rid of this poisonous charlatan.

I'm one of those Newcastle fans whose head is firmly screwed on regarding Pardew. Don't believe the lies of a warped London press pack, or the brainwashed supporters who have fallen for PR manipulation - Pardew is completely complicit in everything Ashley does. His damning statistics get brushed under the carpet because it doesn't fit their 'deluded Geordies' narrative. But, after reading hundreds of nonsensical comments on a Crystal Palace forum, I have a message for Eagles fans - wake up.

Amongst the delirious celebrations that will go on deep into the New Year, I thought it'd be nice to warn Palace fans of what's to come. We saw Pardew in action every week and it was soul-destroying. It's time to bust some myths that I've seen come up again and again over the past 48 hours.

WE HATE PARDEW BECAUSE HE'S COCKNEY
Like Newcastle legends Les Ferdinand, Malcolm Macdonald and Rob Lee? Like fellow cockney Chris Hughton, who was loved on Tyneside? This myth is very easy to start from a Fleet Street office but is a complete non-starter. People lap up this 'Geordie Nation' nonsense, despite our worshipping of Doncaster's own Kevin Keegan. Believe me, being cockney has nothing to do with how we feel.

HE'S DONE WELL AT NEWCASTLE
Why do people mention that 5th place finish (with a paltry goal difference of +5), yet ignore the near-relegation that followed? In the 2012-13 season, Newcastle were a Jose Bosingwa blunder away from going down with a star-studded squad containing Cabaye, Debuchy, Sissoko, Yanga-Mbiwa, Ben Arfa, Krul and Coloccini! Simply put, with the players at his disposal, Pardew constantly underachieves. As for the cups, he has been knocked out of the FA Cup by Stevenage and Brighton (twice). Great work, Alan!

HE'S BOUGHT SOME BRILLIANT PLAYERS
Yeah..... those players have nothing to do with Pardew. Newcastle's successful transfer strategy has seen them infiltrate France and Holland, whilst recently plucking Ayoze Perez from the Spanish Second Division. Continental talent without the inflated pricetags from over here. The signings of Perez, Sissoko, Cabella, Debuchy, Cisse etc. were made by Graham Carr, who are then given to Pardew to coach/alienate. He won't be bringing that system to Selhurst Park, sorry.

NEWCASTLE PLAYED ATTRACTIVE FOOTBALL UNDER PARDEW
Hahahahahaha, no chance. His football was often turgid, toothless and mind-numbingly unimaginative. His tactics and motivational skills are as good as his touchline conduct. I don't know what else to say here, NEXT!

PARDEW DID WELL UNDER ASHLEY'S RESTRAINTS
Unless you're an elite Champions League club, you're a selling club. Most clubs' transfer incomings exceed their outgoings. I'm not defending Ashley here, but that's the reality of modern football. When Pardew took the job, he knew exactly what he was getting into. He's firmly on Team Ashley.

In most press conferences, the 'yes man' either praises Ashley or practically begs clubs to buy his latest star player, cleverley wording it so it sounds otherwise. At the end of the day, Ashley didn't alienate Ben Arfa and Yanga-Mbiwa. Ashley doesn't persevere with Gouffran and Williamson, either. Ashley is a bad owner but a good manager would still have a chance to shine under his restrictions.

NEWCASTLE FANS ARE TOO DEMANDING
Where's the romance in football? There's nothing wrong with being mid-table and trophyless, but to actively crave such mediocrity is disgraceful. Ambition and glory are dirty words in the Ashley regime, with Finance Director John Irving admitting: “The cup competitions are not a priority for the club.” We see this and hate it. Is it 'too demanding' to want your club to progress? We don't demand Champions League qualification, or the Keegan days to return - just an owner and manager who say the right things about it. At least intend to do well.

So there it is - your myths completely shattered. On Tyneside, we're just partying that the Pardew era is finally over. No more excuses, no more blaming science, no more headbutting players and no more hideous stats. You can find those stats elsewhere but the club's on-pitch freefall in 2014 is astounding. We lost an unprecedented four derbies in a row with Pardew, who proceeeded to totally bottle it each time.

It's a great, great day in world history to be rid of this man. By god we've earnt it! You'll eventually see what we're talking about, Palace fans. I sort of wished the SackPardew.com campaign worked because, by walking into another job, he's not been punished for his work here. Whether Ashley looks towards a Tuchel, De Boer or Bilic, or a Bruce, Pulis or Carver, we're surely better off as a club.

The devil is off to Crystal Palace. Good riddance.