Derby week - can I bring myself to cheer on Pardew?

We’re one week away from the Tyne-Wear derby, which is unusually close to Christmas this year. Under normal circumstances, the outcome of next Sunday will determine whether I have a jubilant or distraught turkey dinner. And yet, because of Alan Pardew, I find myself not 100% wanting my beloved Newcastle to win. What sort of fan has such doubts on derby week? One who now feels nothing when they score or concede, one who is insanely jealous of those who can still feel emotions, one who hates the manager so much that it’s took the club he loves away from him.

With Pardew, it’s went from professional hatred to personal and I know that’s not healthy. The way he has somehow made his doubters look foolish – and it’s almost unexplainable how he’s done it – leaves a sour feeling. Some in the press even think fans should apologise! As a backer of SackPardew.com, I can wholeheartedly say that we were right to do this campaign. Of course we were. The club was in an almost year-long freefall, heading towards relegation with a manager who had gone off the boil both tactically and with his behaviour. Each interview would be full of excuses, often blaming science or the Cabaye sale. There’s a lot of evidence to say that our campaign inspired the turnaround because, for some reason, our players seem to like him and want to play for him.

We acted in the club’s best interests because we care too much about the club, but now I can’t tell if I’ve become the opposite. Disillusioned, disconnected and disgusted, I feel locked out of Newcastle United - shunned away. I hate Sunderland and winning the derby has become the ultimate (because we’ve been trained not to think of evil trophies), yet I can’t cheer Pardew on, not even against them. Then there’s Coloccini, the mute captain who ran away back to Argentina amidst a relegation fight, when we needed him the most. It’s hard to support that.

Maybe it’s because our increasingly idiotic fan base will lap it up and start to call him our King again, or maybe it’s because he’ll have an even bigger ego (if that’s possible). I’m just horrified by a large number of our fans. Growing up, I used to be so proud of how smart we were, how we always stood as one and wouldn’t tolerate bullshit. Yet the club churns out PR nonsense, foiling any desire for ambition, and are still defended on Facebook comments and phone-ins. How can they fall for this?

Then it hit me – am I one of the bad guys here? These lads and lasses work hard during the week and just want to cheer their team on at the weekend. They don’t want others to tell them how to think or tell them to hold up leaflets. We were pretty certain we were right about Ben Arfa – one of the greatest players I’ve seen in black and white – yet he can’t even get games at Hull. These fans know that Ashley will do what he wants, regardless of their opinions and moaning, so why stress so much about it? ‘Support the team, not the regime’.

Pardew’s not going anywhere soon – he’s staying regardless - so maybe I should just swallow my pride and give unequivocal support for one day against the Mackems. And yet…. I just can’t do it. I keep say “we” and “our”, so a love is still there somewhere. The task for me this week is to recapture that partisan feeling of wanting to beat the Mackems, or at least not get humiliated 0-3 again. Because if I can’t, I’m starting to worry about myself.